Saturday, 22 July 2017

Chester Bennington describes depression

The video has a click bait title sorry. He was describing how it was.

I got my blood test results back and my thyroid levels are good with the medication, so it’s now the low moods causing my lethargy. I’ve managed to get five more sessions with the cognitive behaviour therapist and I am getting better doing the activities and exercises she’s assigned me for ‘homework’. I can relate to what Chester is saying, only being around people kind of makes things worse because I have some sort of social anxiety where I think everyone around me is thinking negatively about me and thinking I’m so weird, awkward, I shouldn’t exist etc. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve known you or how much I like you or you like me, I prefer to be alone despite what thoughts tumble around internally; the internal thoughts happen even if I’m around people. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes getting out is good, but it’s also tiring.

It’s like I’ve been placed on this beam that I can’t balance on very well and have never wanted to be on. I can see others enjoying being on the beam or doing fine or both and many not understanding why others struggle because it’s easy, granted there are some expected missteps. And I can see others struggling to stay on like me, some thrashing about worse than me maybe with a better
threshold, or loathing being there and jumping off only to be saved by society to keep on it. Sometimes it takes so much energy flailing around but once you find your footing, you know you could stumble again any moment. The right medication does help you flail less but it doesn’t stop you from cursing being on this fucking beam. There’s a co-dependency in our society too where if someone successfully jumps off their beam, it unbalances many that knew them despite how the jumper felt about their own existence. I feel like I’ve got my footing more and I know I’ve been balancing better especially compared to six years ago and that I know I don’t have it as challenging as others. Still, I reiterate: I’ve never enjoyed being on this beam, and the thought of tripping up to the point where you struggle to keep on, is always at the back of my mind. I watched a short documentary 24 & and Ready to Die, and one thing I learned from it is that when you have depression, of course the future looks bleak because you’re looking through life with a depressed filter you can’t really remove. Perhaps it’s best to take things day by day or week by week. After all, the future is never guaranteed. No one’s immortal.

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